pending
by DDVZ
Summary: SEDDIE. i NEED her. Depression. Self-Damage. Radical fetishes. Violence. Darkness. Etc. Mostly implied or thought. M finished. Real title: Ashes of Pain and Sorrow keeping original title because...I've just grown to associate it with it...
1. author's note 1

shut up  
i know what I said  
i don care  
i've lost the flow of that story almost completely  
and i just don't feel like updating it  
no, that's not the mood i'm in  
i am going to write something however  
surprise, surprise  
you guessed it  
my own little icarly fic  
hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa  
a seddie  
i've become obsessed with them, as with everything I like at first.  
only even more so, for the chars remind me of people  
even if they share none of the qualities...even if we look nothing like them  
there's still blond, curly hair...even if it isn't a little brownish like hers...  
and there's still a brown haired guy who's a little on the short side  
and I couldn't care less what you think  
go ahead but wtv  
i'm writing somethig freakin dark and perhaps i'l feel a little better  
wtv

on an unrelated note:  
I proclaim that As Cities Burn is the official Seddie band  
while Fear Before the March of Flames is the official before/between/after seddie band  
I've been listening to their music nonstop for the past week, reading fics...I've gone through all the plotlines I can stomach...all of them  
and I don care that I promised to read your story I promise to do a lot of things and then never get to do them  
one day...when the sun is high in the sky before me I shall keep those promises  
but not before  
and hopefully not after

prepare yourself...I already tried twice and the result sucked ass

ADDITIONAL NOTE: if you don't like post hardcore or mathcore...then you won't like the bands...wtv...I think its cool  
oh...and they're freshmen in this...still 15 cuz I hate messing with ages or appearances. Just in 9th instead of 8th...you know, after the ensuing summer

it's a lot easier for me to think of them this way...it also makes me feel less awkward and immature  
xd

read, comment, review...wtv  
I don care on this one...in fact I probably don desrve em  
I just read a whole shitload and didnt so much as comment on one...

to remedy this...here's a list:

Seddie:

/u/1475309/the-purple-fuzzle  
/s/4037340/1/iSeetheFuture  
/s/4075450/1/iGotMoves

/u/480124/WritingIsMyDream  
/s/4135260/1/INowPronounceYouSamandFreddie

/u/1025288/BeautifulxxDisasterx  
/s/4108639/1/iCanKeepASecret

/u/840900/StarFreak01  
/s/4144920/1/iNeedYou

/u/1021646/AndImTheQueenOfSheba  
/s/4139955/1/iDontHateYou

/u/770130/Quogan-Loliver-Seddie  
/s/4136812/1/Elbows

/u/11559/FallingFurther  
/s/3903614/1/iJustWanttoGototheDance

/u/1382810/seddieloliver13  
/s/4121362/1/iHateYou  
/s/3978975/1/iLoveMistletoe

/u/1025288/BeautifulxxDisasterx  
/s/4081892/1/iSeeItNow

/u/1011216/Shadowrisen  
/s/4066501/1/IamTorn

/u/1485125/ashleynbf94  
/s/4050000/1/iDontUnderstandYou

/u/1481146/ZBixby  
/s/4030302/1/iNeedtoThink

/u/1355061/lullabyxcore  
/s/4042131/1/TheLoveisStrongerwiththeOtherGirl

/u/869672/mmk32432  
/s/3977641/1/iCantBelieveILikeFreddie

/u/833361/JesusLives  
/s/3907208/1/iJustSawFreddieNaked  
/s/3927294/1/iJustSawSamNaked  
/s/3994660/1/CrueltobeKind  
/s/3934780/1/iHateMistletoeClichs

/u/1429069/HollypawLover  
/s/3959139/1/iHaveaConfession

/u/1453584/JonasBrotherLover1717  
/s/3987157/1/iDareYou

/u/1408339/CroissantDuChocolat  
/s/3971978/1/iFeelLeftOut

/u/1290997/somethingspectacular  
/s/3977209/1/iNeedASharpObject

/u/209782/JustOneBreath  
/s/3945052/1/OnTheFirstDayOfChristmas

/u/1328624/carmenbby  
/s/3944546/1/OurTimeNow

/u/1048664/American-Heart-101  
/s/3886446/1/WakeUpCall

/u/688605/InOneBreath  
/s/3887007/1/iThoughtThatIHatedYouButIGuessIWasWrong

/u/1210760/OjamajofanXD  
/s/3822769/1/IReadthestories

/u/1236968/TvFan00  
/s/3973422/1/iCantBelieveImStuckHere  
/s/4041132/1/LoveandDating

/u/861606/Musicgirl101  
/s/3873780/1/Comfort

/u/1179526/Shannahbelle  
/s/3833322/1/StuckintheElevatorWithYou

/u/1087209/lilerin91  
/s/3810185/1/iAmJustaFriend

/u/1295568/haha169  
/s/3804970/1/TheStoryofTwoSidekicks

/u/1297944/AmericasAngel  
/s/3803558/1/WhyEveryoneThinksILikeCarly  
/s/3805209/1/AYearLater

Creddie

/u/1292998/Maigen  
/s/3996377/1/iAmSorryCarly

Cam

/u/1515299/EmpressNutter  
/s/4126942/1/iAmInvincible

/u/795976/Kioni  
/s/4113432/1/RainyDay  
/s/4109207/1/SprayBottle

/u/975033/Your-hollywood-tragedyx3  
/s/4111640/1/Ihaveasecret

/u/1340655/GreatImBored  
/s/4082330/1/Insomnia

/u/476007/Verdik  
/s/4044281/1/iCareAboutYou

/u/1479903/surferscout  
/s/4027951/1/iThinkILikeGirls  
/s/4028011/1/ThisIsTheReason

/u/1051000/ShatteredDiamonds  
/s/3824960/1/FreddiesJournal

-Sam x Spencer-

/u/1394403/SquishyCool  
/s/3843586/1/YouWereThere

also reading this cuz it updates...even though I think the story could be structured a little better:

/s/4156078/6/RevengeforCarly

haha, we'll see what it does to all the links and shit  
in-progress... equals fav/really good.  
that's the way i list shit

--  
destroyed my rating system...but wtv  
read to see on your own  
it's only the good/ok/mediocre ones anyways  
so you don't have to worry for the large part

one last thing

\\nn/ \\nn/

n!!nn

use your imagination to see what they are...had to use different symbols cuz it MESSED IT UP!!  
WRAUGH!!


	2. author's note 2

I forgot that it only goes through K and T if you don't specify anything...Sigh

here's the stuff marked mature:

Sam x Carly

/u/906232/MrFishy  
/s/4129750/1/Quiver

/u/1335873/BloddyVioletHeart  
/s/4049785/1/Caught

/u/1293632/SubliminalMessenger  
/s/4162328/1/Parties

/u/1479903/surferscout  
/s/4059191/1/IllCoverYou

Sam x Spencer

/u/426569/Holly-Anne  
/s/4133749/1/iCantLiveLikeThis

Seddie

/u/1456708/angelXcollinsXrockXmyXsox  
/s/4037452/1/Togetherinanapartment

also I reread these...and although they're corny...they work

/u/1456708/angelXcollinsXrockXmyXsox  
/s/4047746/1/Seddies  
/s/4019576/1/iLikeHim

well...I'm pretty sure I've read all the good stuff now :P  
hehe...I'm sorry but the beginning might be a little bit more upbeat than I planned  
and at the same time maybe a little worse...who knows!?  
if I can get into the zone...then I won't stop till sun shines through those windows...  
this is important

gonna grab a bite to eat and download some more from as cities burn first...  
just a little, don't wanna waste all of my time

I may make references to songs...or I may just save it for a string of songfics...either way  
Monday's a big day (it's saturday)


	3. Prologue, or, Portals of Wood

Another day...

Freddie Benson rolled out of bed, flipped into a sitting position at the edge, and then stood up, feeling the carpet with his bare feet. He walked over to his dresser and yanked out random articles...

Afterwards, he picked up his backpack and performed the rest of his morning ritual as strictly enforced by his mother. About twenty agonizing minutes later, his mother deemed him fit to leave the house, and he devoured a horrible breakfast, thanking her only for principle.

And then...he was free. Finally free once more. Of course this amount was sparing, such a modicum as only to satisfy a threadbare school day with no strings attached. Anything more would lead to Ragnorak...if only!

He sighed and waited outside of Carly's door. After a few moments two girls emerged from its confines...what exactly made this door so special anyways? Why did God or Fate or whatever controlled us choose this door as a sanctuary. A wonderful, wonderful, wonderful room filled with light...and perfume.

He could smell it emanating from the one, and a lack thereof from the other. Perfume is fun; it's like 80 alcohol and 19 water. Cologne's, perfumes, body sprays, deoderant...it's all alcohol. it's all drunk. And we love it, yes we do

The perfume cut off all the lobes of his brain, leaving only those necessary for motor skills functioning. The time, the time, the time was indeterminate...not even a deft historian could make sense of how much time actually passed. And yet, he seemed to be the only thing affected. Thing...

Yes, that's right...a thing. I cannot be a human being, for if these two specimens before me really are human beings and not the archetypes for a superior, more beautiful race of higher beings, then how exactly could he be one? Him. Them. It was that simple; and yet so complex. For the boundary, it was simply fascinating. It was neither visible, nor even stationary, but it's pressure was so very enticing.

Ephemeral...a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful word. The word that describes it all. It was all so ephemeral. Goddesses walking among us, letting us bask in their glory; each so very different from the other!!

The one wearing perfume, she surrounded herself with charm, kindness, naivety...perhaps even a little ignorance? He couldn't help but like her; everyone did...or so it seemed. And it just would never be; it could NEVER be. No matter how hard he tried.  
As for the other, she demanded fear and groveling: austere worshipping methods doused in molten incense, reborn in a cult of holy fire. Sacred fire. Nothing like fire any of us has ever seen before or read before. Anywhere. Nothing a prophet, philosopher, or intillect has ever seen, heard, or written. Nothing like it. Nothing like it.

It was this other one though that enticed him the most. When we are told a surface is hot, we immediately touch it to affirm the statement and satiate our curiousity. But this wasn't something I could just reach out and feel...not on my own at least. I could not breach such a sacred wall, such a heavenly barrier as devised by the celestial paths of yonder stars. Where the curve of the telescope begins...that's where you'll find it end. So very far away. Such white hot intensity permeating through this transparent wall. Yet the deity, she could overcome this wall as if it were only air. Day after day the barrier falls as glass, only to be rebuilt within a moment's notice.

Oh how he wanted to be there. To mingle among such beauty. Beauty that far surpasses anything we are capable of comprehending, including she who who wears perfume. Whom could after all? With eyes as blue as the ocean, as stormy as the deep. And hair, hair that reflected and refracted light, focusing it until it itself became a second sun. Another Sol. Another Soul. If only he had another soul, perhaps then he could gaze upon such beauty without feeling so very guilty: a cloak of shame, a gag of regret, a blindfold of anger, and a bind of unwothiness. A cockroach will die if it stares at the sun. But death is even more enticing. So many ways...so many possibilities...an endless myriad of choreography.

Lips as red as blood, and oh how sweet that blood must taste! It surely wasn't tasteless like a thing's. The smile given off by pearls set his mind free of its confines: instantaneous death. And yet he would be allowed to awaken and live along this torturous beauty once more. Luckily, and unfortunately, this kind of obliteration was seen rarely, unless it was at his expense.  
How could they even be there!? How could they even stand on the floor!? Surely, it must melt from the heat within this room!! The gaze was too long: his brain was searing, and she demanded fresh penance. He returned his gaze, reluctantly, to this perfume wearer. God must have done something great, and Fate's hand must have slain him in order to make it greater! Luckily, God was left to his own devices on the Like or he would have nowhere else to look!!

The minute passed. Sam and Carly stared at the teenage boy. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah, sure...whatever." A sigh.

"Jeez, not even five seconds, and already you can't help but drool your nerd-spit all over the floor!" Sam pushed him into the wall and pressured his mouth to close.

"Hey! Stop it!"

"But Freddie, I'm saving you! If you don't stop drooling, you'll drown!" She smiled.

"If you don't stop wearing the same clothes, they'll dissolve through your skin!" A subversive smile. An overt frown.

"If you keep hanging around your mother, you won't have any skin left either!"

"Yeah...well." He couldn't think of anything that wouldn't be too mean to say and so admitted defeat.

"Whatsa matter? No comebacks cuz it's true?"

"Sam, Freddie, stop fighting! We have to get to school! Besides, I doubt either of you would look very good without skin!" Carly laughed.

"Sam would," Freddie muttered under his breath.

"Did you say something, Nerdy?"

"No, nothing..."

another morning...


	4. When I Met Sam

The walk to school was rather uneventful. Sometimes it's the peace within these times that makes them the best of all. Sam was surprisingly quiet...did she realize just why I sighed? Why was her divinity so obvious to me, yet so inscrutable to the public world! It seemed as though even she did not know of her own grace! But that would be...impossible...right? When she was born, the world must have entered a Golden Age, right? Why did it seem that this Millenium was so centralized? And now so void...

I tried to gaze upon her beauty once more...the combination of two suns overpowered my need with ultimate pain. Another cloak. Another sigh. Another quip. But I did not heed her words this time, I merely watched her mouth form its words. I was happiest here, when the shield was down. Even when pain came with it. It had become a sort of aphrodisiac. So messed up, and so perverted. But I didn't care. I was accustomed to these thoughts.

When she was done reproving me, I meandered through time to the place where we met. Where we really met, not just a meaningless greeting... That had been a much longer time ago, too far back for me to remember.

I recalled that day: the first day of sixth grade. I had nowhere to sit, and neither did she. We sat and talked and ate, but nothing else. The next day, she had moved on to better people. After a few months, I too found some friends. This task had boiled down to one over the years: Jeremy. All others have faded into the depressing state of an aquaintance: uncaring and so very far above you.

The process was repeated again on the advent of each semester, when lunches changed and people would sit at different tables until they became situated again. Each day was the same, yet I looked forward to them all. Outside of those times, she did naught but hang out with her other friends and bully me. I grew to despise her; I didn't know anything about her. Only that she liked to eat. And that was nothing.

I knew her name, but I had scarce information on everything else. It was around that time when I met Carly. Carly was always with Sam; their friends became aquaintances too.

But Carly would speak to me. She would speak to me. She would ask my advice. She would give me half-hearted compliments. She even told me I was handsome once. She constantly teased me; I'm too gullible.

Carly toyed with me. But she spoke to me. And eventually the attention, the normalcy, and the promise of a good friend's support won me over. I realized that I liked her. And while I stalked her, I slowly elicited a goddess from within the beast: the man from the minotaur (or rather the woman from the minotaur-ess).

I suppose they aren't very good friends, but they do try, which is more than my other friends ever did. That is good enough for me.

We had reached the school...I could delve no further. But I didn't really want to. I didn't want to pick out all the wrong things. All the wrong things were already there, already present. I didn't need more...not in them. They must remain flawless...they are and will forever be flawless...infallible...omnipotent...invincible. My heart would break.

Hope is very fragile, and I, sadly, had none. None save a sliver--not even a sliver but a glimmer--no a drop--no the smallest speck of light you could pick out with a telescope if you aimed it within the blackness of space. Very little. And that's what Sam was. Without her, I was finished. I didn't want to risk it; I didn't want to take such a foolhardy task. It would never work.

School passed. He didn't pay any attention to it. It was long and boring and full of people whom knew everything and could never be wrong. But there were only two people in the world who could fit that category. The others were just arrogant. I was half-asleep through most of the classes. I still made it out okay, I suppose.

I went into my room and pulled out my lucky pen cap. Knives were messy. Pen caps could be used again and again without any blood seeping out...it would sit there within the cuts.

Truthfully, it does nothing but take the edge off. The pain afterwards calms me down. I would do it on my legs because arms are too visible. Then I would go to the bathroom and observe my handiwork. If it was deep or numerous, I couldn't help but call it beautiful and derive a sense of strange pride from it.

No one knows. I don't want them to know. I really do, but it would be far too troublesome. It's hard enough to hide it from my mom.


	5. Having to be Around You Isn't Fair!

There's no broadcast today...I have nothing to occupy my time; I don't want to think about anything anymore. I picked up my homework and busied myself with getting it done, knowing it would take an obscenely longer time than it was supposed to. I couldn't concentrate on it anymore; I just couldn't. Not unless it was right down to the wire, or I was actually inside a classroom inside a school with absolutely nothing else to do. If I had my choice, I wouldn't go to school. I wouldn't even get out of bed. I wouldn't bathe, wouldn't eat, wouldn't even breathe. I only do these things so that I can see her again; I live for her. But it would never work...it would never work.

I suppose that one day, I'll have to erase all of my nervousness and talk to her seriously. But I wouldn't even know where to begin. And I just can't get shot down. Whatever, I don't want to think about it anymore. I just get too sad.

I want contact is what I want...serious contact. Not just a meaningless, routine hug at night...I don't even get those anymore. I'm so desperate that I imagine myself with everyone. Even though I'm not gay. I'm just that desperate. No seriously, I am 100 heterosexual. And I'm not homophobic either. If you're so hung up on it, then go read a gay story. All I want is Sam.

I imagine her contact would be better than the rest, better than everything else. It could lift me straight up and out of this hellhole. I'm so dependant on her. It's not healthy. But I haven't been healthy for forever. For never. And I will live towards this never, wanting it bad enough to kill for it. To commit suicide for it. After all, death would only be a favor, I have nothing else to live for. Nothing but love. Ever since I really realized that you existed, that you weren't just another bitch, that I wasn't the only one who could see you. And you're there. But I'm here. I'm here, and here I shall stay. Unless I want an early death this year.

AAAGGGHHH!! I said I wouldn't think about it anymore. But I can't help it. This is never going to get done. I turned to my computer, put on some music, and let the hours tick away.  
Midnight: homework time. Done. Sleep.

_So I hear there's a whole world out there  
But I've grown to love this bed too much to leave it  
And if love really drives out fear  
Then I pray it's her voice I've been hearing outside my door_

Up again. I must see Sam. I wonder how she'll look today? I don't really care...as long as she is here...

I opened the door and saw them waiting for me for a change. They looked annoyed for some reason.

"Hey guys," I said, trying to look at Sam, but instead at Carly.

"Hey dweeb! You're late! And you're lucky Carly has the stomach to pity you! Otherwise, we would be gone already!"

"Come on now, let's just get to school."

"Fine," Sam sighed in defeat. "But I get to insult him as much as I want today!"

"But that's not fair!" I whined. A bright smile.

"Having to be around you isn't fair, dweeb!" I knew she didn't mean it that way, but I reserve the right to take what I hear out of context. As long as I remember the true meaning, no one will care.

"And being around you is such fun!" I return sarcastically.

"I bet it is! At least I can't bore you to death, like I'm pretty sure you do to me sometimes!" There was a slight irritation in her voice.

"Yeah, but one look from your eyes is enough to kill me!" I laughed. It wasn't entirely a lie.

"Really? Maybe I should just stare at you then!" She fixed her gaze on my eyes. After a few moments, she surrendered her attack. I hope I didn't show any scorch marks. "Looking at you hurts my eyes! If it keeps up, they'll bleed to death!"

"Oh, will it now?" A dangerous thought. I lashed out, refusing to stop from the pain of hitting that wall. I took her chin in my palm and forcefully turned her head to face mine.

"Oh, disgusting! I think I'm gonna barf!" She pushed me down and made like she was gagging.

I was blushing furiously by now. They figured it was from anger or embarassment. But in reality...I had touched her. Perhaps I could breach the wall?

We were at the doors. With Lewbert screaming nonsense at our backs, we rushed out the glass portals. From wood to glass. It was breaking down. Just maybe, just maybe I could get it to disappear completely!

_One more time, love, won't you come remind me  
I'm someone believed in  
I'm someone still within your reach  
'cause all I've got is sleep  
Against my fear of being swept away  
By the wind, the undertow, and thought_

**_Admission: Regret - As Cities Burn_**


	6. SMACK!

The sky was crisp, fresh, and a serene blue--incomparable--no, paling in comparison to her eyes. The sun rose earlier these days...the clocks had been moved back. This star only made her hair even more radiant, her skin only more enthralling. How soft it must be, how warm! I want to wear it as a coat. I want to meld with it so that I may feel it always, even if I lose myself in the process.

She looked at me, my cheeks even more crimson. And she saw the pain...the lust within my eyes. And she realized that I wasn't looking where I was supposed to: at Carly. She became nervous and asked me if there was something on her face.

"No, no...there's nothing," I replied, finally turning away. The image of her face bore into my brain. I didn't want it there. It hurt too much. But oh, how beautiful it was! I loved it too much, despite, or maybe even because of the pain!

"Then is there something wrong with my face or something?"

"No, Sam, there's nothing wrong with you. You're just fine!" I placated her; I did not want to see her sad. Even though emotion is just so...kinky.

"Really?" Her face brightened with a slight smile. "You just had the weirdest look ever. I wasn't sure if I had food in my teeth or something..."

I began to laugh a gentle laugh. "No, I'm sorry. I'll try not to do it again!"

Just then, her face drew into the beginnings of nervousness. She had finally understood what the look meant! Her beautiful face contorted into a scowl, and she smacked me across the face.

Sam rushed past me and began to walk beside Carly, pushing the thought from her mind. But I couldn't get it out. It stung in every sense of the word. It had deeply hurt me, striking me in a way that brought no endorphins, no pleasure. There was no rush of adrenaline. There was only a prominent ledge. I felt like I was slipping off of it yet again. And I fell. But my face rose to stare at my Like. All things were normal once more. The Universe was only slightly more bleak.

I opened my locker and gathered my books. I watched Carly do the same. But Sam hurt too much. I smiled at Carly, and she produced a half-hearted smile in return. Then I followed them to our first class of the day: English with Ms. Briggs.

I sat down in my desk and turned around to talk to Carly. Glancing at Sam hurt too much. We chatted aimlessly about nothing, we three. Insults galore. I beat every single one back with fervor. But she always had a greater wit than I did.

English was boring. Boring and long. She had nothing interesting to say. She taught us nothing we hadn't already known. She berated us at every turn. English sucks.

Next, History. Blahblahblah. I wouldn't study for it. I would do fine anyways. I always seemed to be the only one who got the lesson...but I had always had a knack for history. Especially about other places. It interested me, and so I remembered it. Here was boring. America was boring. But the outside world was exciting! Or at least different!

His lectures were given at lightning speed, his notes were more for himself than his pupils. He talked to us as if we already had an understanding of the topic. More often than not, we didn't know anything. His lectures would bounce off the wall and get so random. But not funny random, not appropriate random. We would pay on our tests. But I would always come out okay.

Ah, Computers. A safe-haven. Sadly, Sam was not in my class. Neither of them were in my History class. But this was different. I had one, but not the other. Somehow, this made me feel even more empty, even more desperate.

I did well with computers. And I could get it to work eventually. Unfortunately, I always froze on the tests. But I never came out below a B. I knew this stuff, just not all the extra tidbits.

This teacher was very insecure. But he was also very helpful and understanding. He was probably my favorite teacher in the school!

And finally, last and least: Math. Very confusing at first. I would always understand it by the second time around though. And I had Sam and Carly with me. I began to sneak furtive glances at Sam again. Perhaps the emptiness had overridden the pain. Even so, I still hurt inside. A deep pressure along my chest and the left side of my face. My brain was splitting. Humans weren't supposed to feel this way. They weren't supposed to be this sad.

My mother obsessed about everything. She made sure it was just so. She never let me do anything. When she gave me chances, I blew it. Then she would do it for me, reprimanding me about my age and stupidity. She mocked everything I liked; everyone did. She loved me deeply, but she didn't really care about ME. If she didn't need me to help her with her own problems, she might just forget I existed. She certainly did until I talked to her. I don't want to get old.

I had always tried to be perfect for her, to be the perfect son to make up for other's mistakes. After a while, she grew to expect it and forgot that I needed help too. She would tell me on rare occasions that things didn't have to be perfect, but if it wasn't I was tired or frustrated. I was never taken seriously. I was always in my room, always with the lights off. If I got caught lying down anywhere, I was immediately accused of napping. But I couldn't nap, I would get sleep paralysis. Narcolepsy: My sleeping habits were horrible before, but now they were even worse. No amount of sleep made a difference anymore. I was always exhausted.

Food was food; drink was drink. I wanted neither anymore; I was sick of them. I wanted no air. Choking myself calmed me down. I did these things to myself in public, in front of my parents. I spoke out loud about my condition. but I was always exaggerating or wrong. Apparently, it can't happen that way. Well it does sometimes. It does to me.  
Like caffiene for example. I get tired whenever I drink it. After a while, I get the boost but I'm always tired first. And of course this can't happen. But what do they know? They know nothing about me! They are all just too selfish and greedy to be focused on anyone but themselves. Our own problems are always above other people. And whenever I try to remedy it, to open myself before someone, I get slaughtered even worse than normally. I get trampled over for speaking. In the words of my friend, Jeremy: 'If I like it, it must be stupid.'

School sucks. I was sick of it. Sick of making excuses every morning. Sick of lying to myself. I needed Sam. I needed her or I would die again...

I really don't care about anything but her. It's not like everyone says. To not care is to be fine with someone killing you at that moment. And I was. And I have been for the longest time.

One good thing, a million bad. Things always ended up bad or wrong. I always got the short end of the stick. Everyone else was lucky. My luck was a double-edged sword.

Apparently I was staring. She smacked me again. My heart sunk once more. As I walked home, I avoided my Like and my Love. Emptiness in a sky already fading into a winter night. Evening by five. Bedtime by ten. Homework by eleven. Sleep...I didn't get any.

_I will love you even when you won't let me  
And you will kill me by doing nothing  
But i know it's not you, my dear,  
I know it's not you  
I know it's not you, my dear,  
It's the nothing that kills_

_**Of Want And Misery: The Nothing That Kills - As Cities Burn**_


	7. The Wall Shatters

_ 'Cause it's not the cold making my, making my legs shake.  
It's Timmy's ghost taking his, taking his place in our hearts forever._

_ 'Cause it's not the sound keeping me, keeping me from sleep,  
It's what Jesus said, it's what Jesus said, said about Hell underneath.  
I think I'd rather believe it's some imaginary place,  
Made up to make children behave,  
So our souls are safe to wander off,  
Wherever they might please.  
Your soul is safe wherever you might be._

My cheek still burns. I don't care about it anymore. Today's the day, after all. He, he just left. Five years ago. And then he died. He died from alcohol poisoning. That's what they tell me. Did they really think that I couldn't see the noose hanging in the closet? I doubt it. I wish I had that noose. For some reason though, I think I wouldn't want to break my neck. I'd want them to realize what they'd done. I'd want to see the fear and shame on their faces. And then I want to laugh at them until they puke. Until I puke blood. My wrists will have been stuck in beside my neck to prevent instant death, but I'll move them out. And I'll grab the knife in my pocket. And carve myself how I always dreamt I would. Two slits along the base of the neck. A slit in the stomach, drag it to the left, then up through the lung. And if I can still move, carve the name of my favorite band in big letters across my chest. And finally, drive it into the base of my neck.

But no, I'll just sit here and wait on borrowed time that is not my own. I'll never find out who's it is until the day comes. Maybe I've already met them; maybe I'll never know them. Maybe it will be more than one person; or maybe it won't even be human. I used to want to be a hero or a killer. Fear and Praise are the quickest ways to get attention. But now, I don't care. I don't get mad enough to do the latter. I'm not strong enough to be a hero. Not a respected one anyways. One who douses their hand in fire, maybe.

_ Take me back to where I was  
Before I was born.  
It's light, sweet, and dreamless sleep.  
It sounds like Heaven to me._

I sigh and leave my bed. Sam.

I get dressed. I eat. I leave.

And I stand there waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

FOREVER WAITING. JUST WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN! I've given up on good things happening. Borrowed time only brings pain and suffering.

Finally, they're here. She's here. She remembers nothing. Her face dances with life. Vigor. Bravery. Wit. Charm. Beauty. Intelligence. Happiness. Time. Life. She's everything I'm not. She's everything I've always wanted. Everything I'm desperate to have. EVERYTHING.

The sun only rises to meet her. The moon only shines to see her. The Earth only spins to give her a wonderful view of the sky. This world belongs to her. She holds it in her palm. She cares not for it, but it loves her still. I hate this world. How can I compete with it? There is no potential victory, here; I cannot best Zeus. I want to be Prometheus. To free her from her cow-state when Zeus is done with her.

I don't want to leave hardship for these people when I die. I wish for them to only remember the things that I did. Nothing else. Things can be disfigured. I would rather be an anonymous immortal than someone else.

So that's it then. I'll live a little longer. I'll wait a little more. I'll open a little further. I'll die a little worse.

They stare at me. Why am I not moving? That's what they must be thinking. I walk past them silently. I only look at Sam. My head low, my back dipped slightly. Maybe I can get even lower. But I'll never get low enough. I'll always feel pain. I'll never be low enough.

Carly hugs me. So does Sam. I squeeze Sam very tightly, inhaling her scent. Heaven.

I let go of both girls. They are oblivious. Completely oblivious. I fabricate a smile, say that I'm just tired, and walk alongside them. That's the end of their questions. Sadly.

_ Tell me I'm only dreaming.  
Tell me he's just sleeping.  
And when morning comes,  
We'll both wake up to the sun.  
Tell me I'm only dreaming.  
Tell me he's just sleeping.  
And when morning comes,  
We'll both wake up to the sun,  
And love that's enough to keep our friends alive._

_**Timothy - As Cities Burn**_

Sam is trying to cheer me up. I don't want to be cheered up. I don't want to fall back down right afterwards.

"Hey Freddie?" Sam asks me. "What's wrong? I've never seen you this tired before."

"I didn't get any sleep last night. And I mean none."

"Working?"

"No..."

"Then what?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Aw come on, Dorkster!" She punches me in the arm, playfully. Then for real.

I smile. I laugh. I return.

"Your mom's cooking could kill kittens! Maybe that's why you're so short! I'll be taller than you soon!"

I smile. I laugh. I return.

"Hopefully it's not hereditary! Not that you'll ever have kids, so it won't matter. But this way the imaginary ones won't be so ugly."

I grimace. I chuckle. I fall.

"So are going on another cyber-date with your computer soon? Or have you moved on to mobile technology yet?"

I chuckle. I fall.

"Here we are! School! Nerdy's favorite place! Go now, go and frolic with the other nerds!"

I fall.

"I bet...I bet...I bet that, that your nerdness was...umm...was what made your father drink so much!"

FIRE.

The barrier broke into a million shards! A million shards cutting me into a million pieces. The holes creating a stinging sensation throughout my body. My fist crashed into Sam's face, knocking her to the floor.

I stood there, staring, crying, labored breath. Her eyes looked back in confusion, regret, and fear. People were staring. I wasn't the kind of person to do this. What would he do? They must have all thought the same thought.

I punched a locker. Repeatedly. Screaming all the while. Yelling obscenities. When there was enough blood, I left. I avoided the ambulances and police cars. I ran home. Then I ran somewhere else. I needed to go somewhere they wouldn't look for me.

After wandering aimlessly for hours, I returned to the apartment building. I climbed the stairs. I went in Carly's room through the back. I broke the screen on the door. I ran up to the third floor and hid under the automobile.

Men don't cry. My tears ran still. I caught myself and stopped the audible breathing noises. I strangled myself to calm down. I fell asleep from angel lust. The carpet blocked the oxygen.

I awoke. It was dark. I heard a siren coming. They searched every room, storming into this one. Everything but the car was overturned...it was too low to the ground to conceal a person. A living person anyways.

They left quickly: they had a city to search.

I laid there, quietly pondering over my situation and what I should do about it. I began to get claustrophobic. Angel lust isn't pleasant when you're awake. Well, not that pleasant anyways. It takes the edge off.

_ Look over your shoulder, you stole her. Its over  
To start we'll lop off your head  
We'll give you six feet of blankets for a goodnight sleep  
(Say a prayer for the dead and buried)  
We'll give you six feet_

_ Say a prayer for the dead and buried  
You'll be joining them real soon_

_ The easy way or the hard way.  
You never learned your lesson_

_**Law of Averages - Fear Before the March of Flames**_


	8. AT LAST!

_If I make it to Heaven,  
I may be as bloody as Hell.  
Would You still take me?_

_ 'Cause I'm in the wrong body.  
I'm in the wrong body.  
I'm in the wrong body.  
I must have stumbled in._

_ All the love I want to give  
Gets caught between every rib.  
What does that make me?  
I have good intentions,  
But no exit for them to come out right through._

_** Wrong Body - As Cities Burn**_

By now I should be in the clear. I relinquished my hiding place and stood up. None of them on the street. That was good. Now, what to do?

Whatever I do, I can't do it by myself. Maybe I can explain myself. Hopefully... I can't live without them...without her.  
I descend the stairs cautiously; I don't want to draw unnessecary attention to myself. They're in the family room, sitting on the couch. All three of them. Apparently, my mom's been by--Spencer looks haggard and out of breath. My mom overreacts to everything severely.

I wonder if I can explain--how I can explain! I don't want them to know, but I do. It would feel so nice until they dubbed me psychotic and dangerous. I can't think of anything to start with. If I take too long, they'll notice me first: not a good thing.  
"Hey guys..." I'm staring at my feet, one eye casually glancing from them to the phone. I want to see their immediate reaction. Were they even friends? Would they even attempt to understand?

"Freddie!" They say it in unison, each with a different tone in their voice. Spencer's ashamed, Carly's sad, and Sam's furious. That's about what I expected...

They run over to me...no phones, yes! Maybe I can get out of this alive! But would it matter? Would I have to sacrifice their minimal respect for me as well as my dignity?

"What the hell do you think..." Sam starts, infuriated, eyes blazing.

But Spencer interrupts her, holding one hand up to bar her advance. Apparently, he can be responsible.

"Freddie...I'm very disappointed in you. For multiple reasons." He turns to Sam and Carly. "You guys go wait in Carly's room. I want to have a chat with him first. There's probably more to this story then we expect. Don't call his mother just yet."  
He pushes me into his room: a death march of sorts to an unspeakable hell. But at least he's trying. I may have some chance, even if he could never understand.

He shows me to the bed; he pulls up a chair opposite me. He closes the door and rests his head in his hands, thinking. "Look Freddie. Something's obviously wrong here, don't try to deny that. I'll probably never understand, but I'd like to at least hear your side of it. You're not the only one who's hit rough patches in their life."

"Well, I'm not sure if I can explain. Sam cracked a joke about my father, and I just got really mad. That's pretty much all that happened."

"Ah, your father? Today's that day, huh? He really screwed you up good, didn't he?" I lashed out at him, but he caught my fist.

"I probably deserved that," he admitted. "It must hurt, but one of these days you'll have to get over it. Anyways, you hitting Sam isn't the big issue here. You guys fight all the time, even if this was an extreme example. What I'm concerned with is what you did afterwards. Care to enlighten me?"

"The adrenaline just got to my head. Everything sort of boiled up. That's it!"

"You're cutting aren't you?"

"No way!"

"That's the only reason why you would've kept hitting the locker."

"I'm serious, I don't!"

"Of course not. It's only a pen cap, right? I used to cut too. My mother died shortly after Carly was born, and my father was always away in combat, paying for our welfare. I used to live in Yakima."

"Really? I never would have guessed!"

"My grandparents divorced, and I started to emulate my grandfather, I guess. I resented him largely. Needless to say, I left as soon as possible. It wasn't till I had left that I stopped cutting. I had finally found the freedom and caring relationship I wanted. Soon though, I started up again after it fell through. That's when Grandpa sent Carly over here. Sometimes all you need is a little attention, buddy! Another person's care!"

"Thanks Spencer! I'd like to be that open, but..."

"Look, Freddie, I know more than you think. I know that your father didn't die from alcohol poisoning. I also know that you have something for Sam. I'm not stupid. I'm not going to draw it out of you. I'm not as understanding of these things as I used to be. What you should do is talk to Sam about it! Not necessarily everything, but enough. I'll ward off your mother, and pull a story out of my ass to save your hide. I can't do this again though. I may have been like you, but we change as we get older, whether we want to or not. I can't understand anymore. Only a peer can attempt that."

I nodded. One crisis averted. But this next one was a lot more important. I may now know someone whom could have related to me, but he can't anymore. I suppose there's truth to what he says; he's a guardian now and sees things in a very different light. One day, I hope to be like him. I can't stay here though...I won't leave alone!

_ Shame is the anchor tied around my ankle  
Shame keeps me low and close to the bottom  
Where i am the least  
At the bottom_

_ Where pride has never been and never will  
The swell of my chest  
I stand on this  
Where pride has never been and never will  
The swell of my chest  
I call this brave_

_** One:Twentyseven - As Cities Burn**_

The portal was... open. I walked in and took my beatings, both verbal and physical. Not flinching once. I deserved it all. I had never done something so rash and stupid before. Why had I allowed myself to live this long? What was I living for? Sam. But I screw that up every opportunity I come across. How will it ever work? I'll never be worth anything to her...and yet her smile was so wonderful. Life sucks; I can't depend on this smile if I'll never see it again! Tremors. Rattle. If only for a drop-dead, if only for a relapse...I would have no problems finishing today...

Blond and brunette swirled around me. Blue and brown torrents tinged with red inundated the room. I imbibed enough to drown. But I didn't. Why? Why?

Skin and clothes were everywhere, but all in there correct places. Too bad, I would like to taste their blood. Sam was my world. Forever my world. And I was nothing. I did not deserve to live. I did not deserve to be here. Sam could never not look beautiful. Crying, laughing, eating, drinking, sneezing, caughing, brushing her teeth or her hair...I could care less; she was Sam.

The spinning stopped: I was on the floor. I had fallen; a drop-dead? I could not move. I could not lift my body against gravity. It was suddenly so heavy. They were propping me on the bed, but I kept going lower: to the lowest position possible. My body didn't care which way it bended. A drop-dead: the physical equivalent of a relapse, plus the effects of a relapse. My brain was mush. The trigger was on sad instead of anger. I could not breathe; I could not move my mouth. I laid there until I was able to force my lungs to work. My heart beat slowed dangerously.

I worked my way up slowly, falling a great deal of times. Once you were low again...it just meant that much more work. But eventually my body began to respond again, and the fog over my brain lifted. I breathed a steady breath. I captured a steady gaze.

"What happened?" my vigils said in unison.

"A drop-dead...I couldn't work my body against gravity for a second. It happens every once in a while; it's no big deal," I placated.

"Seems like it! Isn't it scary?" Carly asked.

"No. It feels really peaceful. You only feel pressure. This pressure is really your only motive to get up. My limbs usually fall asleep, and I usually develop crooks before I get better. Thanks, I guess..."

"Well, if you're okay..." Sam said, lost in thought. "I'm still really mad at you about what you did!"

"I'm not okay...I'm severly depressed. I've been depressed my entire life...but it hasn't been severe until about two years ago. No, no, no! I don't want any of your pity!"

"Jeez, Freddie...we didn't know," Carly said.

"No, you didn't! No one did. I've told everyone a million times, yet you only push me harder! No one can even talk to me anymore. It's always mocking...and I know the difference between teasing and mocking!"

"Well..." Sam started, but was interrupted.

"Well what? Well, no one has any time to look out for someone other than themselves that's what! Oh, I'm sorry, I don't care if he suffocates or cuts himself in class, or if he writes about being depressed in all his assignments. I don't care if he bangs his limbs on lockers, or if he never looks up. I don't care if he always looks tired and sad; I don't care if he wants to kill himself. I'll push him harder, yell at him, and ignore him. He'll be fine. After all, he's HIM and I'm ME. It's not MY problem. It doesn't affect ME. So it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all. I mean I have so many problems caused by my stupidity already! I can't decide whether or not to break up with my boyfriend because he's shagging my cousin. And no one likes what he likes. It's STUPID! It's the WORST THING I'VE EVER HEARD! IT'S THE SAME PEACE OF CRAP I'VE HEARD FIVE MILLION TIMES! WELL IT'S NOT!! IT'S THE MOST ORIGINAL AND UNIQUE STYLE OF MUSIC TODAY!! AND JUST KEEP ON ARGUING ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT IT'S ALL A CONSPIRACY OR WHETHER OR NOT IT'S HARDCORE!! AFTER ALL, IT MAY NOT MATTER AT ALL, AND I MAY BE HORRIBLY WRONG!! I MAY HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE ON IT WHATSOEVER, BUT I'M RIGHT AND YOU'RE WRONG!! I'M ALWAYS WRONG!! TILL YOU REALIZE THAT I'M RIGHT...THEN YOU KNEW BUT I DIDN'T OR I DOUBTED MYSELF!! AND IT CAN'T EVER BE NOT FINE! NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU SAY IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT!! IF IT ISN'T THEN YOU START YELLING FOR SOME GODDAMN SENSELESS REASON!! AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYTHING OR CARE ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU'RE SON HAS THOUGHT ONLY ABOUT KILLING HIMSELF **CONSTANTLY** FOR THE PAST FOREVER!!"

I breathed. They gasped. I had been screaming. They just gawked. Crap. I messed up again. I turned and pounded my fist hard into the wall. SHIT!

_ There's a pill for every fucked up thought  
And a cure for every fucked up child_

_ **High as a Horse - Fear Before the March of Flames**_


	9. Final Rest,Last Checkpoint

_Have you seen me lately?  
I am the dog sized bird on the tracks  
I have an unhealthy handful of options  
And a couple of trains on my back_

_I'm picking at remains of other lives  
And watching colors and tragic looking passerbys_

_I am the dog sized bird  
Picking at bones  
Losing my nerve  
Constantly calculating _

_There's time between trains, I know  
There's time between trains, I know  
And a right moment  
To find a new set of tracks_

_There's time between trains  
I know exactly how long_

_But I'm testing my conviction  
And I may be primed for picking at any time _

_**Dog Sized Bird - Fear Before the March of Flames**_

--

_When we start, we lack a rulers knowledge  
When we grow, we gain the tools to conquer  
I'll kill the king just for a taste of copper_

_Where did the fins go?  
What're these limbs for?  
If we leave, we don't return_

_I'll take her wife just to display my power  
I'll drink his wine and then spit it right back out  
Somewhere I grew legs..._

_There's a wall out past the shallow waters  
Where there's God and all his faithful followers  
They remained, endured the taste of salt  
There's a beast who swallowed up his soldiers  
Lured them onto the cities and shores  
Gave them greed and made them slaves_

_There's a wall out past the shallow waters  
(And I'm a shark with legs in a tie)  
Where I can't see but I can sense my father  
(With a trophy wife at my side)  
He can see me, OH SO CLEARLY  
(And I'll beat her because she's mine)  
There was a beast who had me at hello  
(And birth a nuclear set of swine)  
And a building where I never go  
(But if they leave, they won't return)  
If we leave, we don't return_

_**My (Fucking) Deer Hunter - Fear Before the March of Flames**_

--

_There has never ever been a dull moment  
we can kiss the highest clouds and name them after movie stars.  
Your fingers, they're flower pots.  
And as the cuticles crack the stem comes through  
you'll never know a poet's eyes unless you see them for yourself._

_After the truth is found there will be a suicide.  
Hear me now and grant my wishes as sins, not ignorance.  
Endangered now, with pockets full of oil.  
All I have left is a face fucking, homicidal waste of time._

Take these roads and take them fast.  
My legs collapse in harmony with the music and I plummet down forever.  
I can write the dialogue to a script about your death.

I'm walking across 2nd Avenue... I'm tripping across Lexington... I'm falling down Park Avenue... and dying on Broadway.  
We can wish amongst wish, hope against hope.  
You have become a new bloody valentine.  
Over and over again, I've watched you killing yourself.  
Hold my hand, let's start the decay.

One shot in the mouth.  
You'll never know a poet's eyes unless you see them for yourself

_**Grandfather - The Number Twelve Looks Like You**_

--

If you ever have questions...leave a comment or pm me.

review if you want

It's not over yet

there's still so much to get through

you can review...but I won't change the story.

I may not even read them for a while

I will start withholding chapters. (one every few days...)

it might get really graphic or twisted. I've given this fic complete creative freedom. My mind is a very sick place. Now go thrust your head into the swinging blades of a lawn mower and tell me if it yanks or cuts first. And if you died from blood loss or oxygen deprevation. A shed can only hold so much air...

--

I can answer that question now, It yanks first...(didn't try it, got hit in the face by rocks and twigs trying to fix it...)  
And you'd die from oxygen deprevation first...the oil (and grass, mud, etc.) would block up your wounds...(check out your next greasy scrape...)

And keep your blades in good condition, you will bleed if a shard hits you...


	10. I Love You

Screaming. Nothing but hours upon hours of screaming. Trying to rationalize my behavior without including herself in the equation. Trying to claim that I was in my own hemisphere and that nothing from the outside world could ever reach me. I hated her. I wished she was dead. I could see myself murdering her in cold blood. But I decided against the twisted images birthed from my darkness. I made my imaginative self put down his pipes, chair legs, dinner plates, and other improvised weapons seen about the kitchen. I mopped up the pools of murky blood, sloshing along the floor in great waves of redness. The flesh gave way to colorless organs. But I was to see none of it. Stockholme Syndrome.

The worst part was that she wasn't the only one sentencing me. The others reproved me as well, natural demagouges with fire-spit and forked tongues. Only Spencer said nothing. He could dimly remember feeling this way. He had pushed those memories so far into the recesses of his brain that he could not recall them. It was a failsafe mechanism, but it worked too well.

And as fingers pointed and jabbed and arms coursed random paths encompassing the room, I was left to take the blame, to become the scapegoat. I was not at fault here, at least not entirely. They had two years to realize their mistakes...No, they had a lifetime to realize their mistakes. They made no efforts except to push me harder. And now I was there target? I was the source of such bigotry? Targeted by what? Knownothings! So utterly ignorant of their own provincial views that they couldn't fathom the scope of a sky without such inhibiting clouds. That they couldn't even try to understand.

And yet they insisted that they could. That they did. That I was exaggerating. That I was tired. That I was frustrated. I was not. I was not. I was NOT. I whipped a stinging hand across the viper's face, the scourge severing her armor of arrogance. It was replaced by surprise at first, then by shame, then remorse, and then fear. She smacked me back, threatening to call the authorities.

Now her wounded ego allowed her to compare herself to others once more, and she began creating scapegoats out of everyone I knew. My classmates, my teachers, my father, Jeremy, Spencer, Carly, Sam...SaM...SAM...SAM!!

"Since when did you get the right to criticize Sam!" My friends stopped exhorting me. They wore faces of the utmost shock...except for Spencer, still trying to recall vague memories. Failing, every time. There was nothing he could do here...

"She's a heathen! All of your friends are horrible people! If this is how being around them makes you act, you are hereby condemned from seeing them or Sam ever again! I will not have you throwing your future away over something so frivolous..."

"What future? What future do you even see? I see nothing but darkness ahead...Everyone has to die someday. And soon, I'll have to support you! I'll have to bear your burdens! There's no future to speak of! There's no hope to salvage!"

"Shut up with this vile crap, these impossible lies!"

"It's not a lie! This is how I feel! You could never understand! You're not me!!"

"Fredward Benson! Look me right in the eyes! Now we both know that you're just lying. You're just making up horrible stories! Just tell the truth for once! I will not let you lie to me any longer!"

"This is one of the few times in my life that I'm not lying to you! I'm being completely serious! And for once I don't care about how you feel about it! For once I don't feel guilty about pushing things onto your conscience! In fact I want you to feel pain! I want you to feel the impossible torture I've suffered through! I want you to HURT! Then I'll feel better!"

I was held hostage. I was getting violent. I struggled, they could not hold back my will. I was fuming, I could've sworn that smoke was erupting in clouds from my nose. My whole body was beat red, and adrenaline permeated every fiber. My face drew into a black scowl as my eyes went blind with hatred. Colors began to appear from nowhere because the permanent tear in my eye had evaporated. It burned, but the pain fueled my anger. My entire body vibrated inches of space; my fingers dug into my palms so hard that I was starting to pick up blood.

Seeing her imminent doom, she played her trump card. "If you swing at me even once, I will call the police and have you expelled! I will obtain a city permit to have you shipped away free of charge! Then you'll never see any of your friends again!"

I knocked her down and ran from the room. My heart beat impossibly fast. If I stayed in that room any longer, I would have killed that bitch. It wasn't safe for me to be around her when I was this mad. I had to go somewhere. But first, I ran back and broke every phone I could find. I shattered them all. And when I got to the ground level, I slashed their tires open with barbed wire I ripped off of a fence. I was temporarily immune to pain; godlike. ImMorTaL...

I ran to the nearest park, cutting myself with the barbing profusely, letting excess blood rain down my limbs in brief showers and occasional monsoons. The bugs would be feasting tonight. They and the crud and the adrenaline would keep me alive long enough until I got to that magical place. The place where all pain evaporated. Where everything was nothing, and meant nothing.

I ran for hours; I got lost many times. I slowed to a walk and continued through immense cramping pain. My legs began to buckle under my weight and refused to move anymore. I began to stumble and limp my way in some sort of demented jog through the city, only one destination in mind.

When I arrived at the house, I began to pass out on the doorstep, right after ringing the doorbell. Right after seeing her face grace my presence. As I fell, as my body hit the pavement she seemed to be the sun in all its glory. Some angel radiating light from every pore in her skin; the fear in her face was my delight. I caught myself and stood upright. I stumbled through the doorway, not caring about being polite. I looked around and realized what I had thought all along was true. Her cracks about dangerous family members and the like were mainly exaggerated, built off of improvisation and imagination. She threw in a little reality every once and a while to keep us guessing.

But her house was normal, in every sense of the word. Well almost...Her mother seemed about as bad as mine, and her father wasn't home. He must still be working. It may be late, but its not uncommon for industry workers to work late overtime or to get called back out for work. Especially if they worked in labs or the like in day-round positions.

"I love you!" I had said it brusquely and scratchily, using up an entire lung-full of air. I kissed her on the lips hard, extremely hard! I pressed her body up onto the wall and deepened the kiss, holding her in a vice grip akin to a wrestling grapple. I did nothing else; I didn't even imply going any further. But I would not let up on the kiss.

I forced my tongue to stretch its full length, pressing my head against the brunt of her repulsive force. Her attempts to jar me off with pain would not work. Finally, she settled on biting my tongue. Even then, I held her tightly as I blacked out from blood loss.

_Today I prayed my plane would crash  
You'd hear the news  
And you'd think of me as much as I thought of you_

_And if you never repeat my words  
You said them before, and I remember the sound  
I keep the lights off  
I know you're right here  
No matter what, you can't say no to me in my dreams_

_Your routine is so divine. I have it memorized  
As you walk to your window with your light on inside  
I know you'll never find me here  
As you admire the view  
Do you know how pretty you look with your hair down?  
I walk to the window admiring the view_

_**Go Wash Your Mouth, I Don't Know Where It's Been - Fear Before the March of Flames**_

_And I was a middle son,  
Between two wayward ones.  
I was more deserving of my parents' love._

_I had an angel's smile,  
Hiding a vultures bite.  
I had no use for Your redeeming blood._

_Aren't I glory, glorious?_

_Glory, glorious.  
Aren't we glory, glorious?  
Aren't we worthy, worthy of hearts at our feet?_

_**Empire - As Cities Burn**_


	11. Moonshine

I woke up. I was too sore to move. I could see stitching all over my body. The chart on the wall said I'd only been admitted last night. A full day after the fiasco.

My arms were badly bruised...wait? I don't remember hitting myself there...And then I saw the teeth marks and realized what had happened. They had had to use a crowbar to ply my arms from around Sam. That explained why my neck hurt so fiercely.  
I couldn't open my mouth. My tongue would instantly begin to bleed in response to any movement whatsoever. Then I saw the IV. I summoned all my strength, but I could not rip it out. I could not move at all.

Then I saw why...My sign said that I was a volatile patient whom was temporarily tranquilized. Smart bastards...I hate them all. They should have let me die.

I saw the clock on the wall; it was about noon. I had been situated in a normal hospital room...My neighbor was Sam. Sam...I didn't mean to hurt you...I just needed to be with you...I needed contact...I needed love!

The curtain was back; she was sleeping. She had bruises around her face and neck. My lungs had been in hell through it, and I had ignored it. But she had obviously panicked and worsened her oxygen depravation.

There were some cracks in her bones, but apparently she was already done up and just resting now. I saw that she had been admitted the night of the...occurrence. Aparently, they had waited and messed with the idea of leaving me for dead...I hated them for doing so as well as for their decision. But at least Sam was safe.

I looked again at my body...it was mangled. Black, blue, red, and purple...there was barely any pale skin, especially since I'd done sufficient damage to my legs from all the running. I hated them all. They deserved to be here.

I wallowed in these notions for forever. And, as always, they passed, whether I wanted them to or not. I was now, finally, bereft of all emotion. I was numb. Completely numb. This was what I wanted. Right? Sadly, the numbness ebbed whenever I saw Sam. Why must my heart insist on putting itself in such danger?

I tried to focus on other things. I couldn't. If I could have moved, I would have killed myself.

A nurse came in, checked on us and left, ignoring my awakening. It left me even more empty. I wanted to hug myself, but I couldn't. For once in my life, I wanted pity, and I wanted it from Sam.

There was a knock at the door. It was Carly. Somehow, she had lost her light and gained more all at the same time! No, now I was sure, the light had gotten stronger. My eyes weaker.

Her hair followed her, bending, weaving, and dancing with each step. Perfume filled the room. I was drunk.

She saw my open eyes and looked to Sam. She cried. She cried. She cried. Millenia passed, deluges destroying each in rapid fire succession. Her tears melted through anything that was left, leaving the cold, harsh reality of now. This nowness...I hated it too.

She began to speak. Something about my mother snapping and committing suicide after she saw what I had done to myself. To Sam. She had used a noose apparently. I wanted that noose.

My bills were being paid off with the life insurance, as well as my debt. Apparently Sam's were as well. They declined to press charges. The police passed the report off as temporary insanity under extremely stressful conditions. A single occasion that would never repeat itself. The fines were being paid for too. I would be left with no money, and they would clear out my home and repossess the rooms.

Lucky me. Lucky me. This is what my luck brings me. This is Fate's cruelty extending on into absurdity on limbs gaunt and words dour. Maybe the bitter taste of the air would go away if I stopped breathing...My lungs hurt too much to stop.

I struggled out an apology, blood cascading down my face and onto my hospital gown. This made her cry even more.

I wanted her to stop, but in her pain I revelled in shortlived victory, in joy! My paralysis was beginning to wear off on my jaw, so I began to speak in random rivulets of speech. Talking about things that I had left out, trying to make her understand. To understand and forgive. And after a while, she accepted my apology.

Sam did as well. I looked to her in surprise, but she looked away. Pain. She ignored everything I did and said afterwards. I deserved it. But still. Pain.

Carly had begun to converse with Sam, hearing about how the kiss was one of the most painful things she'd ever felt. About how chaotic and fear-ridden the experience had been. Physical pain.

I began to cry and fell asleep. Someone was hugging me. I couldn't see the person, but I could smell perfume. My universe now contained more than myself and a sun in this sea of nothingness. It had captured a moon in tow. And I was not about to let it go. There are some things you have to fight for.

_We can always expect to lose radio, radio contact  
Radio transmission  
Let our fair moon; let our fair moon  
Lay her body between us  
I need her now that you're breaking up_

_We can always expect to lose radio, radio contact  
Radio transmission (Let our fair moon; let our fair moon)  
Lay her body between us  
I need her now that you're breaking up_

_Soon she'll become my new sun  
Soon she'll become…_

_Soon she'll become my new sun  
Soon she'll become my new sun  
She's stealing her light from the old one_

_**New Sun - As Cities Burn**_


	12. Rip Tow

_THIS IS A REMEMBRANCE DIALOGUE!  
THIS IS ALL YOU WILL REMEMBER OF ME!_

_**Remembrance Dialogue - The Number Twelve Looks Like You**_

I was released within a few days. One day after Sam. She was discharged due to full recovery, I from lack of reparations. My wounds had healed up enough. Enough meaning not so much as grazing the borderline get-the-hell-to-the-hospital point. At least the bleeding had stopped. But the pain continued in true elephantine style, slow, powerful, all-consuming, and most importantly memorable. An elephant never forgets.

I sat there in the hallway, drones moving past me at breakneck speeds. I wondered if they could break the sound barrier; I'd love to see the effects on my ears. As the robots continued their tedious task, I watched my mother's posessions exit the room, one by one. I had already moved my stuff into Carly's studio; the rest would be sold to the highest bidder. Bidding on crap that means nothing to them. What an interesting philosophy...

I sat there wondering, why? Why me? Why must God pick on me? My father, my life, my mother, and now my home...he just can't stop taking from me. The only thing he's given me are two celestial entities, arousing flames of holy radiation. The beams which, once emitted, do nothing but cook my body into baser elements until it regresses to mere mud. Clay that I have so much trouble re-molding; it just doesn't work. And everyday the gamma photons are excited and begin mad rampages in my direction, straight for my heart. They rip it out, burn it alive, and consume it slowly, in bites. The slow, dull ache in the pit of my heart from a cannibalistic demon.

And now Carly was in the picture more than ever before. So much more. I had to wonder if it really meant anything, if I could make it mean anything. I had to replace the images in my heads. I had to dump my brain and give it a thorough cleansing before reinserting it into the dark orifice. Where it will once more be subjected to monsters and creatures of vile description, of horrid appearance, and of turgid eyes. My beast was so much more violent, so much more exotic and savage. It would rip them to shreds, beat them into red stains on the floor. I would. I would do it if they really wanted me to.

But a moon acts so much differently than a sun! It's luminosity is reflected, a complete farce. Lies are wonderful, but you'll always be taken back to the truth sooner or later. But if I'm drunk, if I'm drugged into mental submission, maybe I can subjugate this notion and reverse it into a subversive, yet important controlling station. One that could overtly shift the masses of space and distort and distend and mold and mesh and transmute and transform and create and destroy until nothing was left and everything was right.

What a brilliant way the world works; what a brilliant way the Earth spins on its axis, slightly askew so as to throw off all as to its imminent fall and freeze death. Heat death would be so much more fun. I would get something out of it at least. One last risk for the ravens to monitor as closely as the astronomer does the stars, waiting for just the moment when they can pick and prod and rip and shred flesh from bone and meal and imbibe on their mead and bread, my skin and flesh. Waiting for the time they can use their skills to their fullest and make something of themselves and leave their mark on this world. I have made no mark. I will make no mark.

They were done, I christened my house dead. I held it's funeral in my head. I watched the walls shift, warp, and bleed and let the windows cry black tears and flood the other apartments with anguish. When the house had died I entered my new place.  
The advent of the sun! That slow roasting behind my eyes. She acknowledged me once but did nothing else. My moon was already there. I sat down on the couch and stared into blank nothingness, looking for the static lines in the air.  
I looked to Sam; she ignored me. I hung my head in shame.

I looked to Carly; she smiled back, forced yet real. I brightened. I stood up and walked over to her, the tides carrying me away. I hugged her. Hard.

She just stood there and put her arms around me. I felt safe for once. And when I left, I crashed downwards into the sea.

I hugged her once more, inhaling more perfume with each breath. I still burned on my descent to the ground.

I crashlanded on Antarctica...through the glaciers and the ice, down into the sea's depths and into the murky oil deposits. I saw the petroleum clump around me and sludge up my soul, filling the corners of my body with black gold. I was stuffed in this eternal misery.

I looked to Sam once more. She had gotten up to watch my displays. She wasn't watching me.

Carly moved her head next to mine and her shampoo coupled with her scent completely overpowered my conscience. I shifted quickly and kissed her on the cheek then the ear and then the forehead. Heaven. Crude. Hell.

Slowly devoured by solar flares and gunned down by snipers with sorrow. The disease rotted my brain through to the core. The world shifted colors. Their skin was gold and mine was bronze. I had devolved in this bizarre cycle of Darwinism. Maybe, perhaps, I could leave and leave. Maybe I could.

The moon saw my pains. She saw my devil horns and my backwards smiles. She saw the fetters I rattled around. She unlocked my chains out of pity, only to relatch them tighter than before. My ankles were bleeding, squished under the shackles. Rust mingled with blood. Tears mingled with blood. Blood mingled with blood. I swam in blood. I bathed in blood. I drank blood. I ate blood. I am blood. Blood is me. Blood eats me. Blood drinks me. Blood bathes in me. Blood swims in me. Blood mingled with blood. Blood mingled with tears. Blood mingled with rust. Bloody, bloody bronze.

I slumped to the floor and she saw me. She let me fall. She helped me back up. She kissed me. I did not smile. She kissed me again. I did not smile. She kissed me...on the lips. I attacked her with my tongue, her acid spit and magma flesh burning my oral cavity into a pit of hell. Her lips were like soap on wounds and bit caustically into my rough, dry ones. Such wonderful pain.  
She wanted to leave. She pushed me away. Sam went to pull me off, but I left. I let her push me. I went back to the couch and stared into nothingness once more.

Carly sat next to me, concerned. She put her palm on my hand. It was warm. It had a pulse. It was so very inviting that I couldn't help myself. I grasped her hand firmly. Titan grip. I would not let go, but I did when she insisted that I stop.  
I forced my fingers from interlocking further and hung the appendages akimbo. I sat there for the longest time. They just stared...wondered...disgusted.

Carly captured me in her cage once more, but I refused to hear the canary sing in it's magniloquence. Against my better judgement, I had started to curl my arm up to hers when I stopped.

Brief thoughts flitted through my mind at speeds greater than the workerbees from across the hall. Such a rapid slideshow of pain. That clinched it.

I accepted her pity and left the room to retrieve my lap top.

"Geez! You were all over that bastard!"

"Shut up!"

"Why would you do that to him? Lead him on like that?"

"He's alone. He needs someone..."

"So? He's got freakin problems! He's an attempted rapist, Carly!"

"You know that wasn't what happened...you said yourself that he just kissed you the whole time."

"Even so, he's screwed up. You can't deny that."

"No, but maybe we could set him straight!"

"How? Putting him on a line and telling him to walk it? He doesn't know how to walk without falling flat on his face!"

"But we can help him! You're the one he loves, shouldn't you feel something? I may have been his crush but I still feel something for the kid..."

"Yeah, and when we're done we just say 'oh, I never really liked you at all' and expect him to be okay? That's even worse than leaving him alone!"

"How so?"

"Think about it!"

"I guess you're right...but still. We might as well try."

"You can if you want, Carls. I'm out of this whole stupid business."

I had neared the bottom of the stairwell...did they really think I couldn't hear what they were saying? I was only gone for five seconds...stupid pieces of shit. I felt a weird amalgamation of pain, anger, relief, and joy. At least the moon cared enough to shine.

_And fast receiving but slow responding  
To your signals reading "Son, come home."  
But I still believe it.  
My God, I still need it.  
I'm just tired of walking upright.  
When I don't feel right, I just want to look right._

_We can always expect to lose radio, radio contact.  
Radio transmission.  
Always expect to lose radio, radio contact.  
Radio transmission._

_Soon she'll become my new sun.  
Soon she'll become…  
Soon she'll become dim reflected love,  
To light my way  
After I trade loving You for loving to obey._

_**New Sun - As Cities Burn**_


	13. updating today for sure

sorry...power went out last update...it came back on later...but i was just too tired to update. I dunno...nothing's going right these days. Right now I should be doing final reviews n projects...but I WON'T. Instead...I'll give myself the day off, n actually do something productive. That's right, an actual guaranteed update. Depending on how long it takes...n how i feel...i may update a second time. oh...n the real "relationship" just went down the tube...but I'll still try to capture that feel of hope. be back soon... ty for the alerts n reviews! i appreciate it...n sorry to the anonymous one, but it won't let me email u for some reason (says ur account doesn't exist). I'd appreciate it if u clarified what u meant by more Freddie...ty!


	14. Death March

_I am in the deep end and can't find air.  
I am throwing punches with a blindfold on.  
Stop riding my tail with your high beams on, because I may just brake suddenly.  
I would rather not explode - that's your job.  
I'm stuck in between two worlds in a maze of dreams and thoughts._

I am wrapped in the moon's embrace, trying vainly to see the glimmer of stars in the distance, even lifeless planets would be something. Something else out in the galaxy that I call my own. Denied. Shot down. Hopeless. Nothing. Yet, still I hold to her image. Yet, still I crave her company and her smile. Yet, still I can't get enough of her intoxicating presence. I am still obsessed, still drunk on the vast quantity of sun beams I've imbibed over the infinite lifetimes. I still long to feel the light wash over me in some sort of providential bath. How that must feel...

I love her. I will always love her. The pain in my body claims such, and so it must be true. I can focus on endless nothings and somethings simultaneously and otherwise and still come back to the same conclusion. My life is truly nothing without her. My only hope out of the red is her, and even now I haven't given up completely. It's no longer a matter of logic or reason but of self-preservation. I do this to stay alive. I do this to breathe. No matter how much it tears me up inside.

All the sudden I remember to feel the warmth of the moon. My cold skin, ravished, eats the body heat up as if it would die from hypothermia at any minute. The heat returns me to numbness. The contact clouds my head. I grow confused. I wake up. I realize that I'm not where I think I am and I push her away.

A look of dejection and sorrow. A look of rejection and disgust. She is tired of this apparently. Three days? Really that long? They all blend into each other now. Apparently I need to get on and move on and do something better with my life. Apparently I know nothing and should just stop being an idiot and find someone else. But I can't.

She doesn't understand. She can't understand. The great lengths I had to go to before to find this person...I simply haven't the strength to traverse them again, let alone conquer them and rise into some new suit of armor. My Achilles' heal is laid out across my chest with written directions on suicide. I read it aloud in my mind and save them for a rainier day. The moon has left me. The sun has too.

I get up and walk downstairs, fashioning my best smile. I focus in that way that abherrations such as I do, not really focusing on anything but still focused, still drowning out the outside and the inside worlds. I wish to face neither demons right now and will busy myself with whatever presents itself, whose completion seems even marginally plausible anyways. The potential lack of radiance in darkness was unfound, undiscussed, and undiscovered. Then where am I?

My thoughts drift back again to what I desire, rather reluctantly and desperately in the same moment. Perhaps it is not over. Perhaps there is hope. Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps. If. If. If. NOTHING. It is over. There is no hope. There are no ifs. She is gone. I am dead...so very dead.

My brain accepts this to save itself...and then throws it away to accomplish the same fleeting goal. Protected both ways, but not really protected at all. I am a master at this, adept at forming impenetrable defenses from shambles. Sadly, these walls always crumble at the smallest penetration, as they aren't real or permanent. Transient. Imaginary. I want to live in dreams, but I don't even have them when I wake up anymore. My poor, stupid, numb mind, isolated to save itself from the crushing weights of death and doom. Why, hello purgatory, hello heaven; I love the fair maiden that resides in these places. I shall name her Sam. And she shall be everything to me.

Sam is here, talking to Carly. They're discussing the terms of not helping me anymore. I don't want their help. Not anymore. Not if it isn't even real. Not if it will just leave me worse off later. I need something more, something stronger, something permanent, anything permanent. Like love perhaps. I shall love this Sam. This Sam just newly born. This Sam just newly grown. This Sam I have never met before. This Sam my life has intertwined with. All but one moment have been retained. This moment I shall lie of to myself, for it never happened. Yet, deep down I know it is a lie. Yet, if I forget what it is a lie about, how will this knowledge help me in remembering the truth? If only it would work, I would be free.

Sam is staring at me, watching me watching TV. Off we go to school. Sam is staring at me, watching me walking. I look at her reluctantly, feeling the pain in the pit of my heart come back in spades. Such horrible, crippling pain. It is difficult to ignore. I zone out completely in attempt to dissauge it's control. It works and defers the moment, refracting it into one single band that I can focus on for the next lifetime in silence and sorrow. My head is hung, but my feet still walk, and I am amazed that I am still walking; the feat seems impossible and improbable. I raise my head, appearing pensive but secretly wanting all to know of my sorrows. Sam is staring at me, watching me struggling to cope. Then she stops.

The day goes by. Another does too. And another. I am becoming an expert at this. Sam no longer looks for signs of pain and misery. She no longer cares to even search. No one does, even though they wouldn't have to dig down very deep. I immerse myself in the Internet. It alone is my friend. The music of devils and demons and banshees and humoncoli and succubi creates a world of understanding. It is what I spend my time doing now. iCarly no longer suffers from my suffering. Things are seemingly back to normal, only I am not.

And I see Sam, and I bask in her beauty. And I wonder...I wonder exactly how it is that she became so beautiful. I wonder exactly how she formed. I want to know. But I'll never know, only appreciate. I drive her from my mind as best I can and search for that hollow in the recesses of the shadows. I love it there. I stay there as I await my daily word-beatings. The cobwebs get swept away as I run out of space to hide my problems. I fear another break is coming; I fear another breach. I fear. I am afraid. I am dead.

_Don't you understand me?  
This cloud over my head is not okay.  
There are things that I need to get done.  
and it doesn't give you permission to take a shot below the belt._

_**A Shot Below the Belt - August Burns Red**_

_  
Breaking dawn will bring revenge  
We should know by now  
We're so sick  
It was building up and no one was watching  
We're running out of darkened corners to sweep the waste into  
In our distracted focus no one had a chance  
When we lined up at the edge  
We were open wide  
Like fools, waiting for a sign_

_It was a free fall  
An act of desperation, our backs against the wall  
It was a free fall  
It was an act of desperation, down we go_

_**The Failsafe - Misery Signals**_

I hide behind the lens as I perform the monotonous task of filming droll behavior. Sometimes I wonder if it really matters to wear a smile that no one will pay attention to. I push that and other thoughts from my head and resume focusing on that which I shall never have in my possession. Cruel irony: all I desire is all I'll never have.

The camera is drifting, gaining new focus, new insight into this celestial entity. Unaware, the lens zooms in onto her face, changing positions to center on her wonderful features. My goddess from the foam begins to notice problems: the camera's changing position. Carly warns me that I'm shifting the camera too far over. I do not hear her. All I see is Sam's face twist into annoyance and then full blown anger. Her face is wonderful, so perfect in any and all expressions. She realizes what's happening, where I'm recording, and begins to blush and leaves the camera's sight.

I see the fist coming towards me even before I see her raise her arm. I let it hit me in the shoulder; I let her shove me aside. I listen to her berate me on filming the webshow and forgetting about dating her. I see her mouth form the words; I hear the wonderful sounds created; I feel the mystic energy emanated from these words and the tension so evident in her face. But my mind cannot string them together. She tells me to pay attention...

"I am. I'm paying attention to the most beautiful creature that ever walked the Earth."

"Shut up! I don't like you! Get it out of your head, Freddork! Here, maybe a wedgie'll help you get the message!"

Her arms wrap around me and pull my boxers up. Instant pain. She smacks me across the face and orders me to refocus the camera.

"What are you talking about? It's focused on what we should see!"

She smacked me again.

"At least let me be around you. Is that so much to ask?"

Another smack. She raises her hand once more.

"Smack me again, and I'll kill myself..."

"Don't do that. Just get over me!"

"I can't! It's impossible! I suppose I've inherited that from my mother!"

"Go back to loving your computers, dork!"

"No."

Another smack.

I leave the room. Sam is busy trying to readjust the camera. iCarly finishes its broadcast without me. Carly and Sam are now fed up with my behavior.

They find me downstairs, lying on the couch, arms bleeding, a plastic bag around my head. Sam removes the bag and takes the tack away. She takes my head in her arms and gives me a really hard shake.

I kiss her through it. I kiss her stomach through it. Through her clothes. So warm, so wonderful. I love it. Sam stops and waits for me to stop. She takes my head in her hand...

"Are you finished yet? Look, I'm sorry, but it's just not going to happen! I'm not attracted to you that way! I wasn't even jealous when Carly started to show some sympathy for you...I don't like you like that, okay?"

"Okay..." I never cry. But now...it hurts so much that I really want to. Only a single tear falls from my eye. They cannot cry. They are in shock.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes..."

"Good"

"Good..."

"Now dork?"

"What?"

"Could you buy any nerdier clothes? What, did your mom leave in her will, 'Freddie, my son, always wear dorky clothes and beware of ticks and other parasitic bugs?'"

I smirked halfheartedly...well no-heartedly. I stood up. I walked to the door. And I left on an aimless walk to nowhere in an attempt to clear my troubled head. No matter what, I'll still love Sam.

_Some kind of friction has scarred me, but created your new style.  
My reasons to endure used to be based around who you were,  
and your brilliant passion that could blaze right in front of a perfect stranger.  
This is my downfall - my blemish, I've been told before.  
Quit holding on to what she was._

_**Too Late for Roses - August Burns Red**_

_  
You were my anchor_

**Anchor - Misery Signals**


	15. Mercury

I stumbled across street after street, not caring, not counting. Each intersection meant only this way or that? I would end up coming back and taking the other soon enough. I didn't keep track of how far I went. I tried not to focus on the stubborn pain in my feet, that persistent stinging you get in one foot. I thought of nothing. Or at least I tried. But, inevitably, my thoughts would always return to Sam; no matter how many obstacles I threw in its path it always managed to come back to Sam. It became clear that although she was gone; she would never truly be gone to me...not if I still wished to live on in this world.

What's wrong with me!? Why doesn't she like me!? Why am I so ugly!? Why am I so stupid!? Why am I so useless!? How come I never get what I want!! How come no one is there when I need them to be!! How come I can't have this one thing!! How come!? Huh!? ANSWER ME!!

What did I expect? How could I ever have expected she'd like me back? How could I ever expect to get what I wanted? How could I be so stupid? How could I let myself become so blind?

"Life sucks..." The wind picked up. It was cold. I should've taken a coat. I realized I was lost. I realized I was stumbling around. I realized that my mind was splitting at the seams. After some wandering, I came to a street sign that told me where I was. I was no longer lost, and yet I was. What a conundrum...

I walked back to the apartment houses. It was too early; I didn't want to go back just yet. I walked down to the park and sat on a bench under a tree; I knew that I was too big to fit comfortably in a swing anymore. I had been for years, and yet I was still short! How ironic is that? Well on the shorter side at least, not really short. I sat there and stared at the sky, watching the clouds move. Isn't it amazing how they always seem to move so quickly when you're standing still or sitting down? And yet when you walk they go so much more slowly than you? It's very weird in a cool kind of way. The clouds weren't dark, but I felt a little drizzle anyways. Then came the darkness. I decided I had better leave. I walked home and tried not to get too soaked. I entered my old apartment and stared at it in all its vacant glory. I had history here...

I walked to my old room, bare except for the mattress...I laid down on it and stared where my desk used to be. Then I stared at the ceiling some, and then the walls...imagining how everything used to look. Seeing each room separately in my head: a virtual tour of my old apartment. When I was done, I got up and went where our couch used to be. And sat there and pretended to watch TV. Then I walked over to our counter and sat there, mulling over the tortuous positions the workers took when they had to get the table out. Thinking back on it, it was sort of humorous...in a sad kind of way. I got up and went to my old bathroom. After I was done, I checked out the bareness of my mother's room, somehow even more bare. But I didn't care anymore. As much as it hurt, I was glad she was dead; I had wished for it on multiple occasions, sometimes even just to give me something to talk to Sam about...other than videocameras and webshow equipment.

There was a knock at the door. The intruders stopped only for a brief moment and then waltzed in anyway. They walked into the room and stared at me, staring out the window.

"We saw you come back? Where'd you go?" The moon said.

"Nowhere, I just wandered a bit for a few hours..."

"Oh okay," the sun returned.

"Thinking about your old place?"

"Thinking about how things used to be..."

"A psychopathic mom to a lovesick computer geek..."

"An overprotective mother to a boy whom only wanted the sun to love him..."

"The sun?"

"Sam, you were and are my sun, but I realize that it will never work. It could never work. I can't be happy. I'm not allowed to be."

"Don't say that, you're making me feel guilty..."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm going to go now..."

A hug...from the sun. A tear to the floor. It meant nothing now; it was forced. That's a lie...it still meant everything to me, just nothing to her.

"Thank you, Sam. That meant a lot to me. Have a good day..."

"Thanks, you too..."

"I doubt that'll happen, but we can hope..."

I returned to my new home. I had nothing left. I had nobody. I had only a sun and a moon in this crazy solar system. They both knew me as Mercury. I suppose I could be content with that for now, if not eternally miserable.

The sun shone through the window and the door. She saw the noose in my hand and begged me to stop. She kissed me to stop. I kept up and only broke my neck.

"Wow, you really are a loser aren't you?"

Blackness...I awoke to an immediate stiffness...my neck was fine. Sam had stopped my fall. Sam and Carly and Spencer...but Sam was most important to me. Sam will always be most important to me.

Sam will always be most important to me.

_Do I dare question it?  
This world is ending with countless years of false doubting.  
Let's get up and arise.  
Speculation.  
Your dreams are long gone.  
Now you told me to never hold back mercy.  
So, this is now evolving into your own interpretation.  
Let's just call this fair play.  
Slice them off, and restore the foundation.  
We must begin the downfall of their branches.  
We are always too quick to point the finger on our closest companions.  
Fly away into a dream full of hope,  
soar above the branches and into the faraway stars._

_**A Wish Full of Dreams - August Burns Red**_

_I watched you float away on a wave of want and misery  
Now I've got to find you  
I watched you float away on whatever caught your eye  
Now I've got to find you  
Cuz I've got to keep your head above the water  
While the current pulls me under_

_I will hang my life in the space between the noose and your neck  
I won't let you die just yet_

_I will love you even when you won't let me  
And you will kill me by doing nothing  
But I know it's not you, my dear,  
I know it's not you  
I know it's not you, my dear,  
It's the nothing that kills  
Nothing..._

_I can't save you  
Control is something out of mine  
No, I can't save you  
Control is something out of my control_

_I will love you even when you won't let me  
And you will kill me by doing nothing  
But I know it's not you, my dear,  
I know it's not you  
I know it's not you, my dear,  
It's the nothing that kills  
Nothing..._

_I can't save you  
But I will love you  
No, I can't save you  
But I will love you  
I'd like to think that this is love  
Lost in second chances without end  
And this is romance_

_(I'd like to think that this is love  
Lost in second chances without end  
I'd like to think that this is love  
Lost in second chances without end  
And this is romance)_

_**Of Want and Misery: The Nothing that Kills - As Cities Burn**_


	16. author's note, continue?

it seems like its over...but is it? that's up for you to decide...drop me a review or a message. tell me ur thoughts an what you think should happen. my story is over. I changed the end...he's not dead. Kind of romantic ending if you ask me...in a dark way but still. I didn't plan for it to end so soon...but it did. That's just how my fingers typed out the words...I had planned to go into jealousy and envy and more rage...but then somehow it just seemed to detract from the story. my story's over...but yours may not be...not just yet


	17. 2 grand!

i've broken 2,000 hits!! granted about 20 are mine...but even with that...i've still broken 2 grand! first time ever since i got here. i'm thinkin of writin a seddie oneshot this weekend to commemorate teh occasion...wut do u ppl think?


	18. writing again

alright...finally got some time...n i'm in the perfect mood for it...beginning the writing process now...n we'll see what comes of it! sorry this was so long overdue

* * *

the result was a new oneshot: Goodbye!

hooray! I decided that I will make a sequel to pending...or ashes of pain and sorrow if you prefer the real title...wtv

I'm going to leave all the notes in and everything in this one...including this note back here. Usually I delete them all, but...not this time

* * *

oh n remember the whole string of songfics idea? I might start that up too...if I get the time.  
I've got a few ideas...but I'm not sure. Do you think it would be better if I saved them all under one fic? or made a new one each time? There might end up being a lot of em!! I'll also take song ideas...so message me whenever...and remember to take a look at Goodbye if you can!


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